Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
