i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
