His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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