not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
