I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you remember whose house we're in?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
