did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
