Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
