Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
