I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
