I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
