It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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