I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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