Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
