Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
