when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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