the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
