Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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