I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
