What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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