WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I could make wine with my vomit
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
