She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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