My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
