If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I could make wine with my vomit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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