Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
