She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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