i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
