And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Two words: nipple clamps
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