the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
