The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
