I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
