I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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