he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
