dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
