I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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