Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
