Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
