Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
