I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
