I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
