They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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