My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it glows. i had to have it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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