It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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