Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
