oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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