there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
we're making bets on your personal life
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
