he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
