I think I won the penis lottery.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
