Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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