Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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