Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
