between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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