It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
